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Dear Loserr,
                 
I have a bitchy dog who bites me everytime I cuddle or when I play with her it's not quite nice. I have considered eating her, but that's too cruel for my weak puppy loving heart. My dog is truly evil though she looks cute but no she isn't! Also my mom loves her for some unfathomable reason. So, what should I do?  
 

Dog Biter

Dear Dog Biter,

I had a very similar situation with my last girlfriend.  She bit me everytime I tried to cuddle and especially when i went to play with her.  She was truly evil, but she was hot looking and my mom loved her for some odd reason.  What I did was yodel from 2am to 4am every morning and eventually she just ran away.  I bet your dog will do the same thing, give it a try.

Dear Loserr,

I have been working my summer break as a teller at a local bank.  Each week this attractive girl comes in but I am always too tongue-tied to talk to her, so I don't think she knows I am alive.

Finally this last Friday, I decided after she left that I was going to call her this weekend, so I got her number out of the card file at bank.  Yes, I know it is against bank principles, but I had to talk to her.

I called her late Saturday night and when she answered I told her that this is Craig from the bank and I have been noticing her each week and that I think she is very pretty and can't stop thinking about her.

Unfortunately she screamed and told me I am sick and asked if I would like to talk to her husband.  Her husband then got on the phone and said he was going to stop by the bank Monday and teach me a lesson. 

Loserr, I think I might have looked up the wrong ID on file, because I know the girl I like is single, in college and the same age as me.  Should I show up to work on Monday and try to explain what I did or should I just start looking for another job.

Terrified Teller

Dear Terrified,

In todays job market, finding employment is a very difficult thing.  If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut, let the husband beat me up and collect for being injured on the job.  Plus with the publicity of being being beaten up at work, I am sure the girl you are attracted to will now know you are alive.

Dear Loserr,

I took this woman out on a first date and while we were clinking our glasses of red wine together my glass shattered into pieces and fell all over my date's platter as well as the wine going all over her dress.  The wait staff came and tried to clean her up, but her dress was basically ruined and she wanted to leave.

My meal on the otherhand was not affected by anything, so I asked for a doggy bag and we had to wait for it to be wrapped. 

On the ride to taking her home, we got in a fight because she thought I should not have waited for my meal to be wrapped since she was a mess.  She told me I was selfish and that I should have been more considerate.

Loserr even though the restaurant didn't charge us for our experience, it was a $30 meal that was perfectly good!  Wouldn't it have been wrong to leave it behind when there are children starving in third world countries?  Who was right, me or her?

Doggy Bag Boy,

Dear Bag Boy,

You can't kiss a piece of meat goodnight.

Dear Loserr,

Everyday I get up very early and walk to my curb to get my newspaper.  Two weeks ago on a Wednesday, an attractive new neighbor was walking her dog and stop to say hello.  I was enjoying the conversation when her dog started to pee on my leg.  She didn't seem to notice and I didn't want to offend her, so I didn't say anything.

Last week, she came by again on Wednesday and started talking again.  This time the same thing happened except I think she definately knew what her dog was doing, because she asked if he was done yet.

Loserr, tomorrow is Wednesday again, and I would like to ask this woman out, so should I say anything if her dog goes to pee on me again?

Mr Fire Hydrant


Dear Fire Hydrant,

Chances are if she lets her dog do number one on you, she is most likely is going to treat you like number two, so I would suggest you do not ask her out!

Dear Loserr,

I recently started a new job and don't know anyone at the workplace.  When it came time for lunch on the first day, I went to the cafeteria and saw a woman sitting alone by herself and being the friendly person I am, I went up to her and asked if I could sit with her.

With a wave of her hand and not even looking up, she responded, "No, that is ok".  I slinked away and went to another table by myself.

As embarrassing as that was, the next day I was assigned to a desk next to her.  We started talking and seemed to get along well throughout the morning.  When it came time for lunch again, I saw her at the same table alone.

This time I jokingly asked if she was going to let me join her this time, and she once again without looking up responded "No, that is ok."

Once again I was mortified as I walked away stunned.

Returning to work in the afternoon, she acted as if nothing happened and was friendly to me again.

Loserr, what is going on?

Alone at lunch


Dear Alone,

I don't know about your co-worker, but when I go to lunch, I like to have a conversation with my imaginary friend Wilbur, and he refuses to talk to me when someone else is at the table.

Dear Loserr,

This past summer I hired a lawn service for the first time.  They did a pretty good job and when it came to October, I thanked them and said I would see them again in the spring.  The owner told me NO, that they are a year round lawn service and that they would be back each week to maintain the lawn.

Since I have never had a service before, I thought maybe this was just how the way things are.

They came back each week and as the lawn died they just stopped using the blade in the mower.  Then this past week it snowed over 10 inches.  When I came home from work, I found they had shoveled all the snow off the lawn and piled it onto the sidewalk.  When I asked the owner why they did that, he said they only maintain the lawn.

Loserr, they keep charging me every week, what should I do?

Stuck in Lawn Service Hell

Dear Stuck,

Move into a condo.

Dear Loserr,

I met this new woman and asked her out on a date.  I wanted to impress her so when I took her to the local diner, I planned to slip a tip to the hostess in order to get a booth instead of having to sit at the counter.

I have never tipped anyone like that before, so I tried to be smooth about it and hid it when I handed her the $5 bill.  She looked at me impressed and led us right over to a booth by the window, just as I had hoped.

We had what I thought was a good time and a good meal, until the check came.  It was then as I opened my wallet that I saw only the $5 bill that I thought I gave to the hostess.  Instead, I must have given her the $50 bill that I had in my wallet as well.

Since I only had $5, I asked my date if she could pay the bill for us.  She got mad and said I should ask the hostess for the tip back.  I told her I was too embarrassed and refused.

Loserr, she refuses to go out with me again, what should I do? 

The Tipper

Dear Tipper,

Ask out the hostess and maybe take her to a restaurant with tables instead.

Here are some of the letters I have received concerning Holiday problems.

Dear Loserr,

On Christmas Eve I gave my girlfriend an engagement ring and told her I would do anything to make her happy. Christmas day I went back to her house for dinner but noticed her single older bother wearing the ring.  No one said anything!  Since then I have seen her every day and her brother is still wearing the ring.

Loserr, what is going on?

Confused Financee

Dear Confused,

It is pretty obvious you are dating a woman with man hands.

Dear Loserr,

I am 32 years old and still live with myparents.  We have never had "The Conversation" about the whole Santa thing, but I have had my suspcions.  It has never been a problem because I have always received what I wanted, until this year.  My only gift was a box with an apartment rentual guide inside it.  When I confronted my parents, they told me that it was between Santa and myself.

Loserr, I was really good this year, what should I do?

Ripped off by Santa

Dear Ripped Off,

I believe the Fairy God Mother handles all mediation concerning Santa Clause.

Dear Loserr,

It has been a rough year for me.  My husband and I are going through a bitter divorce and yet at times he is so nice to me.

For Valentine's day he sent me a big box of chocolates, but then he got mad because our dog accidentally chewed it open and ate everything.  To make matters worse, my husband told me our dog died because he had a rare allergy to chocolate.

Then in the summer, my husband surprised me with a two week private cruise to various islands around this country called Somalia.  He said this was where they filmed my favorite movie the Pirates of the Caribbean.  Unfortunately, I had no vacation time left at work so I couldn't go.  You could see how disappointed he was, when I had to decline the trip.

Now it is Christmas morning there is a brand new car parked in front of my house and he left a note with the keys wishing me a Merry Christmas.  I feel so bad because I have not done anything for him.

Loserr any idea of what I can do for him?

Lucky Wife

Dear Lucky Wife,

The best gift you can give your husband is to start the car! 

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